One year ago today I
arrived in London with a cart full of suitcases, sleep deprived, and
emotionally unstable. I was
simultaneously excited and terrified. I
had left every thing I’d known to pursue many dreams. Some of these dreams I didn’t even know
existed at the time, while others I thought were sure things in my life were
almost immediately fleeting. The first
night was the hardest. I didn’t have a
cell phone. I didn’t have internet. I didn’t have television. I didn’t really know where I was. When I
moved in to my apartment the key to my building was really finicky, so I didn’t
feel like I could leave even if I had known where to go because I wasn’t sure I
could get back inside. I was completely
alone. I was overwhelmed with anxiety; I
felt nauseated and like I was suffocating.
I was awake half the night, so to take my mind off of my isolation I
just read and read and read until my eyes shut.
In the light of day the next morning things seemed better. Though I was still an emotional roller
coaster. I went to Starbucks to use the
wifi and cried, I went to a store to buy a television and cried mid-sentence
with the cashier. I couldn’t explain it,
the tears would just overtake me. This lasted
for over a week.
So much has changed in
the last year. I have changed
immensely. I didn’t advertise it much,
but the first few weeks here were very difficult. I really struggled to start my life. I faced trials such as setting up simple
modern day fixtures of life like internet in my apartment to grasping material
in lectures. I have never felt so
unintelligent in life than I did sitting in some of my lectures. The first few months I really wondered why I
was here, why I was accepted to this programme, and if I was going to make it. Especially after I failed three assessments
(not one, THREE!). I’ve never failed
anything in my life up until this point.
I wondered if this was really the path for me. The long-term career goals I once had did not
seem so appealing any more, which made me question my decisions even more. Additionally, I chose to end one of my
closest relationships due to irreconcilable differences. While it was the best decision, it left a
deep void in my life that I struggled to fill for a while. Suddenly a person I spoke to every day, who
was one of my best friends and strongest supporters, was a stranger. The timing couldn’t have been worse. I was physically alone a lot and felt the
emotional weight of it very strongly. Of
course, I didn’t want people to know how much I was struggling. I was meant to be living this fabulous life
abroad!
Around March and with
the slow beginning of spring, things started turning around. I came back even stronger on those failed
assignments, and started really feeling like I belonged here. My friendships here grew stronger and I was
finally getting in the traveling I wanted to do.
I’ve made good friends,
but my social circle is considerably smaller than it once was. It made
me realise many things I have taken advantage of up until moving. Fostering friendships as you get older takes
a lot more initiative than it has in the past.
This is something I am bearing in mind as I head into my professional
life. Up until this point I have pretty
much had built-in friendships facilitated by school or student activities. Throughout the last year I have also made
much stronger efforts to keep in touch with old friends and continue to foster
those relationships. I can say that I
have closer bonds to some of my friends now than ever before. People who are international or have moved
around a lot make deeper friendships easier and faster than those who have
not. My theory is they understand on an
instinctive level how hard it is to start over again and therefore are more
open to building relationships.
I've spent the last month reflecting on my time here. As for my Masters programme, I wonder how different my education would have been in the USA. I wonder how my perspective would have been
influenced by the healthcare environment in the USA versus how it has been
influenced here by a socialist healthcare environment. It is hard, if not impossible, for me to
differentiate between what might have been and what is. I have a completely different view of
deprivation and inequities, especially in regard to health. However, there are still times where I am
surprised by how capitalist and individualistic I can be in my perspective. I imagine this will continue to be a
challenge throughout my life. As for my personal
development, I have come to an understanding that I have a desire to be needed
in others’ lives. I’ve spent the last
year unemployed with very few commitments that any one cares if I meet. My Masters degree was completely up to me, if
I didn’t go to class or didn’t complete my work no one really cared but me (and
the UK Border Agency). Since I’ve lived
alone I’ve had lots of time to myself. I
love living alone, and I don’t think I could or would go back to having a
roommate. However, I have realised I
miss being needed. I miss
accountability.
Consequently, these
experiences have changed me.
I take life much less
seriously than I used to.
I am much more willing
to embrace fun now than ever before. I
go out frequently, dance, and stay up too late.
I stand up for myself
more than I ever have. People used to
tell me all the time I was too nice, and I don’t think that’s so any more. Nice enough, sure, but I don’t think I am the
‘floor mat’ I once was.
I’m not as sensitive
as I used to be. I’ve always had
hypersensitive emotions; I feel things much more strongly and deeply than many
people. Something that embarrasses a
person for an hour I will cling to for years.
If I hurt someone’s feelings once, it haunts me for ages. However, I’ve relaxed a lot over the last
year and have toughened up a bit as well.
I no longer have a
strict plan. While this actually creates
an internal battle sometimes, I’ve come to an understanding that to figure
things out I need to try things out.
I’ve also realised that having a strict plan is pointless because things
never ever go to plan.
I actually think many
people who knew me in college wouldn’t recognise me now.
Possibly most
importantly, I realised I am strong. I
have been fully self-sufficient and independent. I have asked for help when I needed it, but
also learned to be my own rock.
As I write this, I am
preparing to move back to the US. The
job market and immigration restrictions in the UK are just too hard at the moment. Soon this place will be a distant memory, but
as does every place I’ve lived, it will always have a special place in my life.
I am sad to be leaving, but I try to
focus on the positive aspects. I have had
the most amazing year, made wonderful friends, and have absolutely no regrets
about my decision to move here. Now it’s
time for a new experience in my home country, and maybe one day I will return
to England.
